I don’t like my blog to be a place of whinging and moaning, but it’s always been written completely openly and honestly, and sometimes life isn’t full of butterflies and cupcakes – sometimes life is crap!
In the past few weeks I’ve felt like I’ve had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know I’m incredibly lucky and I am – overall – extremely happy with my life. I have a lovely family, I’m head over heels in love with my boyfriend (shhhh don’t tell him that) and I have wonderful friends. I also have a high-pressure, high-responsibility job and the two most gorgeous cats in the world. I’m lucky. I know that.
However, there are two aspects of my life I’m struggling with. First of all, I’ll touch briefly on the one that I can’t change, because there’s no point me banging on about it as it’s unfixable.
Some of you will already know this, as I blogged about it in July last year when I found out, but I have something wrong with my womb – basically, it’s split in half right down the middle. This means that having children is going to be hard work. My fertility, as far as they know, is fine and getting pregnant isn’t an issue; it’s keeping them alive for long enough to give birth to them that I’m going to struggle with.
When I first found out, I didn’t handle it very well. I cried A LOT. I got VERY angry. I drank A LOT of wine. Then I realised that there was no point moping because, quite frankly, there’s nothing whinging is going to do about it. It can’t be changed, it can’t be fixed – it is what it is and I just have to accept the hand I’ve been dealt.
The majority of the time, I get by absolutely fine. I have pain every day which reminds me of it, but I don’t think about it too much – it’s not something that is part of my life right now, so I don’t see the point. However, I’m at an age now where friend’s are having babies and I’m realising that children ARE something I want in my future. I look at K and I feel guilty that he’s going to have to go through the tough times ahead when it isn’t his fault – it’s ME that has something wrong, but he’s going to have to suffer too. That makes me feel awful.
I know there are options and it’s not something I need to worry about for now, but the daily pains I get mean I can’t forget completely and when I see babies in the street/at the shops, it can be quite hard.
The other thing playing on my mind is my debts. As you know, my ex left me with debts and at my worst point I owed about £30,000. I moved back in with mum last July so I could concentrate on paying it off, which I have been doing, and I now owe about £12,000 – which I want to pay off by 20th March 2014 at the latest.
I know I’ve done really well to get to the point I’m at right now and I also know that setting myself a goal of £12,000 in a year is pretty hard going, but I’m so desperate to clear my debts now, they’re on my mind constantly. I just want to be able to move on with my life – I’d like to be able to get my own place again, I’d like to be able to repair my car which is (literally) falling apart, I’d like to be able to treat K to a new tshirt or a meal out. I think, ultimately, I just want to have a life again! I have so many plans for my future, but they’re all on hold while I’m paying off this money.
Because of my full-time job and the fact I have to be available for meetings in the evenings and at weekends too, I can’t get a part-time job for my spare time. So, in order to give my debt clearance a little shove in the right direction I’ve decided to set up my own Tictail online shop where I will be selling clothes, shoes, bags, make-up, books, DVD’s etc that I don’t want anymore.
I never have much luck with eBay and I figured that having my own online store would mean that items could sit there indefinitely until such a time as I find a new home for them. I’m trying to be proactive and find ways that I can get a little bit more of my debt eaten away.
So, this blog post is to introduce the LilliesandLove Tictail Online Store to you all – as I said, it’s just going to be things that I don’t want/need anymore, so is sort of like my own little eBay shop I guess, but means I won’t have to worry about listing fees and deadlines; I can list things there indefinitely and just wait for them to be sold. Ideal!
Fingers crossed I manage to sell some bits so I can pay a little bit more money off – I’ll let you know how I get on!