The Only Way Is Up… Hopefully!

When times are tough you have to remember that things will always improve, so that’s what I’m trying to do – the only way is up, Penny, the only way is up.
I’m writing this blog post not to encourage any sort of pity-party or people feeling sorry for me, but simply to update you as to where my life is at the moment. My blog has always been an extension of myself, never focussed on one subject, but as the tag-line says “a little piece of my world”, so I want to be honest with you all.

Ok, here goes…


Basically, this past week hasn’t been great. Here’s the story (I’ll try and keep it short).


Warning: Contains some reference to ‘ladies issues’
I started getting severe stomach pains and soon after began bleeding. Not being ‘lady days’ I thought it was a bit odd and ignored it for a little while. It would come and go – I’d have 12 hours of nothing, then I’d get the pain and bleeding again. The pain was in the right hand side of my stomach and could be so strong that I’d end up doubled-over in pain.


Eventually I decided to go to the doctors and get it looked at. I have a coil which is due out June 2013, so thought perhaps, with a year left to go, it was playing up a little bit.


The nurse carried out an inspection and said she would do some swab tests (sorry, I did warn you) and that she couldn’t tell if it was the coil causing the issues but due to the blood loss and pain, she would refer to the hospital for an urgent scan. She then gave me a telephone number for a Sexual Health clinic and told me that if it got too bad I should call the number immediately.


I went home wondering exactly what to make of the situation and if Kris had given me some sort of STD. I had myself checked last year and was clean, but he hadn’t been checked for a while, so obviously my mind was running over-time.


Having left the doctors and told my mum what they’d said, she asked if perhaps I could be pregnant. I said I didn’t think so, but decided to do a test. Negative. I was relieved but there was a part of me that thought “Well, at least that would have answered the question.”


I tried not to worry over the weekend and kept myself busy but with the continued pain and bleeding it was hard not to be reminded of it. I phoned the Sexual Health clinic and explained my situation, they booked me in for an appointment (yesterday) and said I could meet a doctor who specialised in coils and would be able to tell me more.


I went to hospital yesterday and spent 3-hours in there having tests. They found that I have an infection (not an STD, just a standard infection, which could have been caused by the coil or from being ‘too clean’ – bit of a back-handed compliment there!) Whilst I was there, I had to give a urine sample (again, sorry!) so they could do a proper pregnancy test. They tested it and came back into the room with a look on their face that told me something wasn’t quite right. Turns out that there was far too much glucose in there, so they think I may be diabetic. Great. As I was there I thought I may as well get everything done in one go, so they took a blood sample and are sending it off to have my sugar levels checked, to see why the anomaly is there.


Having done everything I had to do with the nurse and doctor, I then waited to see the coil specialist. She did what she had to do, told me that the coil is more or less in the right place and nothing to worry about, then dropped the bombshell – she thinks I may have Endometriosis. Again, great. She said that they would use a coil to help treat Endometriosis so she recommends I leave the coil in. Once the infection has cleared up, if the pain gets easier then I should continue as I am, but if the pain is still intense then they will need to investigate more.


So, in 2-weeks or so I should find out where I stand – I guess the one positive to this is that I have had a full MOT check! Might as well get it all sorted in one go, eh?


The other major thing that has happened is that I have to move back in with my Mum.


When I split up with my ex I ended up with loads of debt and over the years it’s spiralled to the point where it’s unmanageable, I can’t afford to eat (literally) and have ended up in a Catch 22 situation – I pay some off my credit card but by doing that don’t have the money to pay a bill, so pay that bill on the credit card thinking“I’ll pay it back next month”. Next month comes and I pay some off the credit card, then I can’t pay another bill so have to pay for that using the credit card. And so it goes on.


So, 7-years after moving out I’m going back to live with my mum. From a gorgeous 2-bedroom flat that I love, from having furniture, my own front door, a place to call my own… back to a tiny bedroom. I’m absolutely gutted but after years of thinking I’ll be able to get out of my situation one day, I’ve realised now that it’s never going to happen while I’m living alone. I can’t afford to pay for the everyday costs that come along with life as well as paying back my debts.


I’m just massively grateful and so, so lucky to be able to move back in with mum.


I think admitting the situation I’d got myself into was the worst bit. Telling my family that all these years I’ve been hiding the truth, trying to get through it on my own. Telling them, basically, that I’m a fuck-up. (Excuse the language).


Last night I got home from the hospital, laid on my bed with the cats and just sobbed. Then I went round Kris’ and cried. Watched some TV, went to bed and cried. (First time he’s ever seen me cry, eek!)


With the pain, the bleeding, the wondering if I’ve got diabetes, wondering if I’ve got Endometriosis and whether it’ll affect my ability to have children, and now having to give up my flat and my adult-life (or so it feels) and move back to mum’s – it just feels like suddenly everything has fallen apart.


I know I sound melodramatic and as I said at the beginning of this, I don’t want pity; there are lots of people in the world much worse off that I am – health issues happen and I have to deal with it, and the debts are something I got myself into (albeit without meaning to).


I’m just so grateful to have family, friends and a boyfriend who all care about me and are supporting me.


I think my new motto for the moment will have to be “the only way is up” and I’ll be repeating it to myself every day… the only way is up, the only way is up, the only way is up. Better times are coming, for sure.

LilliesandLove xx

Leave a Comment

  • Ahhhh sausage. Sounds like its been a nightmare. Hopefully things will improve. You’ve done the right thing by the sounds of it. In all aspects. And I hope your fresh start is all you need it to be

    Without the rain, we would never have rainbows x

  • meadows boy says:

    I hope everything works out physically as for the other you have done the hardest part admitting you need help! I am in the same boat & thanks to a great friend I can see the light at the end of a very long tunnel! Is is hard living in room not having your own space but you look forward to simpler things, like them going on holiday and having the house to yourself! Good luck & keep smiling

    • Lillies and Love says:

      Thank you 🙂 The part I’m most excited about is seeing my debts shrinking – it’s going to be so good to see them getting smaller each month. Can’t wait! 🙂 x

  • Ian says:

    You’re very brave dealing with all this in public, hopefully it will inspire other people who might be having problems to be open about them. It really isn’t a sign of weakness to admit you need help.

    I’m sure everything will work out for you – I really hope it does – and one day you’ll look back on all this as one of those times in your life that gave you the chance to prove what you’re really made of.

    You haven’t failed, you aren’t.a f*ck-up! Good luck and God bless!

    Ian (realaletiger)

    • Lillies and Love says:

      Thank you! Your kind words are appreciated, I was expecting a barrage of abuse from people for being so stupid! xx

  • wee-h says:

    You aren’t the first to be bailed out by your mum and you wont be the last. It has happened to me too! Its a good time to start over (despite how much that hurts) and get yourself sorted. Its taken me a long time (I did it slowly) but I am proud of where I have got to. Plus no more hiding bills in the cupboard!

    Miss S (sorry I can’t sign in with my site)

    • Lillies and Love says:

      Thanks for your message 🙂

      I know exactly where you’re coming from – I’m so looking forward to seeing my debts getting smaller over time and it’ll be a challenge to myself.


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