It’s Scan Day – Eeeeeeek!

In 15 minutes I’m going to be leaving my office to drive to the doctor’s surgery for an ultrasound scan to see what’s happening inside me.
Obviously I hope there’s nothing wrong with me, but if they do the scan and can’t find anything wrong, I’m still going to be left wondering why I get the pains in my stomach.
Tomorrow I get the results from the other tests I had last week, including the diabetes test.
To say I’m feeling delicate today is a bit of an understatement.  I’ve had butterflies in my stomach all day and my heart seems to have taken up residence in my throat.
Oh, and on top of all that, I may have accidentally said ‘those three little words’ to Kris and got nothing in return.
Stupid emotions making me look like a fool!
I’ll update you when I have my results… fingers crossed we get to the bottom of the issue and it’s nothing too sinister.
LilliesandLove xx

My First Vlog – A Thank You To You All

I’ve been thinking for a while about doing a Vlog post, but wasn’t sure what to talk about.  After my post yesterday and the response I’ve had from people, it seemed only right that I should thank everyone for their support ‘in person’.

The initial freeze-frame isn’t the most attractive, but this is my first attempt, so hopefully I’ll improve with practice!

(Hope my accent isn’t too ‘Essex’ – eeeek!!)

LilliesandLove xx


The Only Way Is Up… Hopefully!

I’m writing this blog post not to encourage any sort of pity-party or people feeling sorry for me, but simply to update you as to where my life is at the moment. My blog has always been an extension of myself, never focussed on one subject, but as the tag-line says “a little piece of my world”, so I want to be honest with you all.

Ok, here goes…

Basically, this past week hasn’t been great. Here’s the story (I’ll try and keep it short).

Warning: Contains some reference to ‘ladies issues’

I started getting severe stomach pains and soon after began bleeding. Not being ‘lady days’ I thought it was a bit odd and ignored it for a little while. It would come and go – I’d have 12 hours of nothing, then I’d get the pain and bleeding again. The pain was in the right hand side of my stomach and could be so strong that I’d end up doubled-over in pain.

Eventually I decided to go to the doctors and get it looked at. I have a coil which is due out June 2013, so thought perhaps, with a year left to go, it was playing up a little bit.

The nurse carried out an inspection and said she would do some swab tests (sorry, I did warn you) and that she couldn’t tell if it was the coil causing the issues but due to the blood loss and pain, she would refer to the hospital for an urgent scan. She then gave me a telephone number for a Sexual Health clinic and told me that if it got too bad I should call the number immediately.

I went home wondering exactly what to make of the situation and if Kris had given me some sort of STD. I had myself checked last year and was clean, but he hadn’t been checked for a while, so obviously my mind was running over-time.

Having left the doctors and told my mum what they’d said, she asked if perhaps I could be pregnant. I said I didn’t think so, but decided to do a test. Negative. I was relieved but there was a part of me that thought “Well, at least that would have answered the question.”

I tried not to worry over the weekend and kept myself busy but with the continued pain and bleeding it was hard not to be reminded of it. I phoned the Sexual Health clinic and explained my situation, they booked me in for an appointment (yesterday) and said I could meet a doctor who specialised in coils and would be able to tell me more.

I went to hospital yesterday and spent 3-hours in there having tests. They found that I have an infection (not an STD, just a standard infection, which could have been caused by the coil or from being ‘too clean’ – bit of a back-handed compliment there!) Whilst I was there, I had to give a urine sample (again, sorry!) so they could do a proper pregnancy test. They tested it and came back into the room with a look on their face that told me something wasn’t quite right. Turns out that there was far too much glucose in there, so they think I may be diabetic. Great. As I was there I thought I may as well get everything done in one go, so they took a blood sample and are sending it off to have my sugar levels checked, to see why the anomaly is there.

Having done everything I had to do with the nurse and doctor, I then waited to see the coil specialist. She did what she had to do, told me that the coil is more or less in the right place and nothing to worry about, then dropped the bombshell – she thinks I may have Endometriosis. Again, great. She said that they would use a coil to help treat Endometriosis so she recommends I leave the coil in. Once the infection has cleared up, if the pain gets easier then I should continue as I am, but if the pain is still intense then they will need to investigate more.

So, in 2-weeks or so I should find out where I stand – I guess the one positive to this is that I have had a full MOT check! Might as well get it all sorted in one go, eh?

The other major thing that has happened is that I have to move back in with my Mum.

When I split up with my ex I ended up with loads of debt and over the years it’s spiralled to the point where it’s unmanageable, I can’t afford to eat (literally) and have ended up in a Catch 22 situation – I pay some off my credit card but by doing that don’t have the money to pay a bill, so pay that bill on the credit card thinking“I’ll pay it back next month”. Next month comes and I pay some off the credit card, then I can’t pay another bill so have to pay for that using the credit card. And so it goes on.

So, 7-years after moving out I’m going back to live with my mum. From a gorgeous 2-bedroom flat that I love, from having furniture, my own front door, a place to call my own… back to a tiny bedroom. I’m absolutely gutted but after years of thinking I’ll be able to get out of my situation one day, I’ve realised now that it’s never going to happen while I’m living alone. I can’t afford to pay for the everyday costs that come along with life as well as paying back my debts.

I’m just massively grateful and so, so lucky to be able to move back in with mum.

I think admitting the situation I’d got myself into was the worst bit. Telling my family that all these years I’ve been hiding the truth, trying to get through it on my own. Telling them, basically, that I’m a fuck-up. (Excuse the language).

Last night I got home from the hospital, laid on my bed with the cats and just sobbed. Then I went round Kris’ and cried. Watched some TV, went to bed and cried. (First time he’s ever seen me cry, eek!)

With the pain, the bleeding, the wondering if I’ve got diabetes, wondering if I’ve got Endometriosis and whether it’ll affect my ability to have children, and now having to give up my flat and my adult-life (or so it feels) and move back to mum’s – it just feels like suddenly everything has fallen apart.

I know I sound melodramatic and as I said at the beginning of this, I don’t want pity; there are lots of people in the world much worse off that I am – health issues happen and I have to deal with it, and the debts are something I got myself into (albeit without meaning to).

I’m just so grateful to have family, friends and a boyfriend who all care about me and are supporting me.

LilliesandLove xx


I Dreamt…

I’m known for having pretty crazy dreams, dreams that make no sense when I wake up in the morning and dreams that I’m pretty sure can’t have any subconscious meaning because they really are that bizarre.
Having tweeted a couple of my dreams I received messages from people asking me to blog my strange dreams as and when I have them, so that’s what I plan to do!
I’ll start off by posting three recent strange dreams I have had that I can remember…
7 June – I Dreamt…
I went on a road-trip with friends and had a picnic with some of my Blogger friends – Newies was there with her dog Molly, Romany was there with her dog Monty, Sammi was there with her pygmy hedgehog Herbert, Sarah Scribbles was there with her rabbit Scruffy and many more…!
Having had the picnic, we all went for a walk but it was raining really heavily and there was flash flooding.  We ran to check on nearby bungalows, but as we got there we saw they were built on adjustable stilts and as the flood-water rose, the bungalow rose as well to avoid any intake of water.  We decided to walk backto where we parked the car and saw Dawn Porter and Chris O’Dowd taking their dog (Potato) and two other dogs for a walk. Chris had lost some of his hair and was left with what can only be described as a ‘monk-style’ (see picture).

Having found our way back to the car, my best friend and I realised we were running late to meet Jimmy Carr at the pub.  As we got there Jimmy waved through the window at us from a table on the first floor.  We signalled to him that we’d grab a drink and be right up but as we walked in the door, Stephen Fry came over to us and said he wanted to show us around and give us a whisky-tasting lesson.
Having had a few drinks with him (and still not meeting up with Jimmy Carr), I woke up.
12 June – I Dreamt…
I was back in the house I grew up in with my family. We were stood in the kitchen and as I looked out into the hallway I saw a huge pile of ants which seemed to be getting bigger and bigger.  My sister and I rushed my brother and mum into the back garden and got them to climb over the fence into nextdoors garden for safety.  We then went back inside and killed the ants.
At this point we heard music playing – it was coming from the understairs cupboard.  When we opened it, Harry and Tom from McFly were in there and Harry had a big blonde afro.
Then I wokeup.
18 June – I Dreamt…
I dreamt that K and I went on holiday to Barbados.  While he was having a nap in the hotel room I went down to the beach and was stroking a baby elephant.  Somebody was playing music and S Club 7’s song ‘Reach’ came on.  I was singing along and every time the ‘Reach’ part came on, the baby elephant lifted it’s trunk into the sky – this joint dancing between me and little Nelly went on for some time.  Then I noticed the baby elephant looking over my shoulder – when I turned around there were two buckets on a shelf outside the hotel. Inside each bucket was a sea-lion who was clapping along in time to my singing and the elephant’s dancing.
K came outside, I showed him the elephant (who was no longer dancing) and then we stole a dog.
Then I wokeup.
LilliesandLove xx

My Week In Pictures

Easter cupcake from K’s Mum

Relaxation: sofa, blanket, tea, blog
Stunned my friend’s cat with the flash!
Work-related reading.  Yes, seriously.
Beautiful. Visits here a perk of my job!
Cooking dinner by candlelight
Love this ring

LilliesandLove xx