Dear Diary… (25.09.2018)

Dear Diary… (25.09.2018)

Oh my woooooord, I am absolutely shattered today for some reason. Well, not just today, but this weekend and yesterday too. You know the sort of tired where you can’t even construct a thought properly in your head because your weary brain is struggling to grasp on to anything? Yeah, that kind of tired.

 

I say “for some reason” as if I don’t know why I’m so tired, but I do. Walking around on my gammy leg is absolutely exhausting and even the simplest tasks like walking to the kitchen to make a cup of tea leave me wanting to have a sit down. I’m just so worn out all the time I can’t get enough sleep! (I suppose I might as well start with a little update on my leg before I move on to other, more interesting things…)

 

Last Tuesday morning I ended up in A&E as my knee basically gave up completely. I was on my way to the station to catch my train into London and it just decided it couldn’t do it anymore – it now gives way every few minutes and the pain is so bad that the other day I ended up physically gagging and thinking I was going to be sick. It’s not great.

 

Anyway, the long and short of going to A&E was that they couldn’t help me as I’m already “in the system”. They said if I had come in with this injury for the first time then they would be able to help, but as I’m already going through a process, all they could do was wish me well and wave me on my way. I can’t lie, when they told me that I almost felt like I had lost all hope and I had a little cry when I found myself alone. I am so desperate for help and in so much pain all the time. I try to be strong and brave and act like everything is fine, but I am so near to the end of my tether now and I feel like my leg is so close to just stopping working entirely.

 

Following the hospital visit I booked an appointment with my GP out of pure desperation more than anything else. Unfortunately he told me there is nothing he can do as he himself has a back problem and has been waiting 22 months for surgery, so there’s no way of pushing me up the queue no matter how bad my situation is. Which seems crazy, to be honest. Anyway, after seeing him I then made a few calls and managed to speak to somebody in the NHS Orthapaedics system who accessed my file and told me that I am marked as an urgent case to be seen as soon as possible and the hope is that I’ll be seen within a month, so fingers crossed for that. I’ve got an MRI scan on Tuesday next week which will give an updated look at what is happening inside my leg, but I can tell them without even knowing the results that it’s getting worse on a daily basis.

 

Sorry for moaning, I know there are many people out there with much worse than me and that I will one day – hopefully – be out of pain and I am so lucky for that, but currently, I am in agony all day every day and it’s really affecting my quality of life and my well being. I’m exhausted.

 

In other news… well I don’t really have very much! The weekend was spent having dinner at our friends’ house (which was lovely) and then we went to the West Ham vs Chelsea game on Sunday which was actually a lot better than I had thought it would be – we managed to get a 0-0 draw which is a definite improvement on the absolute beating we have taken in most of the games this season! (and last season too, let’s be honest…)

 

Other than that, I’ve been a bit of a hermit. I tend to become less sociable in the colder months anyway (I’m a true summer baby and crave warmth and sunshine) but I’m also trying to save money as if/when I get my surgery I’ll need some time off work and they’ll dock my salary for it, so I need to have a little buffer if possible. Plus Christmas is literally 3 months away (3 months today in fact!) and I need to start buying presents for that! I think I’ll probably start getting bits after payday this week as I want to be a bit more organised than I usually am and avoid the mad rushing around to find the perfect something for everyone!

 

One plus side of being a hermit at the moment is that there is so much good TV on at the moment! Great British Menu, Masterchef, Great British Bake Off, Bodyguard, Impractical Jokers, The Undateables… there’s also some great shows on Netflix and the new Sky Witness channel too – I am partial to a good drama series!

 

I think that’s probably all my news for the moment, which is pretty rubbish to be honest as basically all I’ve done in this post is update you on the latest in my knee saga. But honestly, that’s pretty much all my life has been this past week and I think the story is probably going to drag on for a bit longer… Bear with me please! (That said, I do have some weekends away coming up, so I might have some more interesting life updates soon!)

 

Before I go I have to say that I am enjoying blogging so much more now that I’ve stopped trying so hard. Back in the day I used to do it on more a professional level, working with some brands that I still have to pinch myself about collaborating with, but the entire blogging world is so competitive now and there is so often so much unrest and arguing in the blogging ‘community’ that it started to make me miserable. I took time out, came back for a while, went away again, came back, then went away and did some really good thinking about what I want from this hobby of mine. Sure, it would be great if I could turn it into something ‘proper’, earn more money from it and live my dream of writing for a living, but honestly, I don’t think that’s what I want anymore. I want to blog for the enjoyment, because I love writing and because I find getting the words out of my head and down onto paper/the screen is the best way for me to process my thoughts and express how I feel. It’s cathartic. Plus, capturing memories is something so important to me, and to be able to go back and read over old posts and retrieve and remind myself of old moments is something that I really do value. I don’t feel like I’m a blogger anymore – just someone with a blog. And y’know what? I’m 100% ok with that. I don’t want to compete with anyone, I just want to be myself, wholeheartedly and without doubt.

 

Staying on the topic of blogging, I still haven’t decided if I’m going to do Blogtober or not! It’s a bit last minute as I’ve got less than a week until the first post would need to go live, but I’m nothing if not indecisive/a complete Last Minute Larry. Perhaps I need to jot down some potential post ideas, that might be a good start…

 

Anyway, that’s enough for today, I best get a wiggle on as I need to get to work. Thanks for checking in; I’ll be back soon.

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. September 27, 2018 / 12:59 pm

    that’s so shit about your leg Penny!! I remember going through a similar conversation with A&E when I had my ankle issues and it’s so disheartening isn’t it!! Fingers crossed you’ll get seen soon.
    Also totally agree re: blogging and taking the pressure off. It’s way more enjoyable doing it that way x

    • Penny
      Author
      September 27, 2018 / 2:09 pm

      It’s totally rubbish! I completely understand they have to have procedures and stuff in place, but when you’re desperate for help and in pain, it can all feel a bit heart breaking (as you know). xx

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